I love this, Emily!

wow@ Draft!!!

--
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep...
And miles to go before I sleep
-Robert Frost

Aww thanks I'm really glad you like it! By the way, I feel a little bad that you've been giving me all this commentary and I haven't returned the favor. Is there anything you want me to look at for you?

--
"Oh let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air"

~ Keats, "To Hope"

You are so sweet!

Yeah, well, here is the latest poem I wrote; [link]

You can critique it if you like, I would love to know what you have to say about it.

--
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep...
And miles to go before I sleep
-Robert Frost

Sure thing!

--
"Oh let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air"

~ Keats, "To Hope"

I.
'forged myself' in the first line -- created a self, a personality? or created a self, a body?

imagery in the 2nd line is gorgeous, and I love the description of manna

'until now' - why? because you have been left behind, or because you chose a different path?

II.
nice use of the eyes vs. inability to see contrast

steeled - and in III, wire-tipped - where else is Jericho? What is the current equivalent? Is it even a city? A person, a fear?

III.
the alliteration & consonance are beautiful, building up and upon themselves

'quaking in apathy' I feel like this may be the most important concept of the whole poem, and I skimmed through it the first time I read it. Any way to highlight it? tie it to that self that was created in I a little more blatantly?

but beautiful job - I love the theme, though I'm having issues analyzing it (I apologize if the stream of consciousness doesn't make sense - I just wanted to scribble things down before I forgot them for you)

<3

--
"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." Goethe

I was going for self as in personality and ugh... I so want to use "forged," but it's not the right choice. I just love the double meaning, though. I should change the verb here and save "forged" for something that involves metalwork and/or forgery.

The "until now" is supposed to reference the end of the 40 year having to stay in the desert period. The feeling of "okay, now we can stop living like this and actually march toward the promised land!" ... "Oh. Wait. There's a wall here." Not that I articulated that very well :/

Jericho is a person. I was hoping that my referencing it with a personal pronoun in III ("I circled you" "your wire-tipped walls" etc.), although the fact that I refer to lots of inanimate objects as "you" kind of ruins that. Rargh. But yes. He's a person. (Three guesses. First two don't count.)

I really like this tie-in idea of yours. Perhaps another stanza? Hmm...

THANK YOU ^___^ You give me much to think about, as always.

--
"Oh let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air"

~ Keats, "To Hope"

Mmm. I like the word forged. And the meaning seems to grow out of being forged of wind and fire - both normal - and cactus flowers - not.

I'm not sure what other word would be more meaningful there... design/fashion/construct don't have a double meaning. and I like the double meaning.

I think I knew that it was the end of the 40 year period, but I'm not sure that you needed the until now to signal that if you also had the numbers?

I'm going to say archangle. or angel. need to figure out how to spell someday... (if I'm wrong, I so get another guess. I'm leaning this way because he's been the one being difficult lately. But if I'm wrong, 2nd guess is Eve's friend.)

For some reason I read it as one of the concentration camps - Dachau, perhaps - which I thought was a really really good 2nd meaning to Jericho, because tearing those down is a good plan.

Hope it works out!
<3
A

--
"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." Goethe

That's true. I sort of wanted the cactus flowers there if only for the contrast. So maybe the verb does work because then it's all contrasty? (The flowers are also kind of imaginary because there's very little "winter rain" in the desert...)

The numbers? Confusion....?

Nope, not archangel (teehee archangle. I should use that, except that I don't know math...). The first draft of this was written in like, February or something, so this last one still holds all that wonderful Eve's-lover-y goodness. Oh, and PS. I made a minor (but very major) change to the text - instead of "Seven days I circled Jericho" it now reads "seven years I circled Jericho." I've been agonizing over which to use and today I like "years" better.

And dude, I never picked up on the concentration camp reading, but that SO TOTALLY WORKS. Eeee. I like it. Thank you!!! <3

--
"Oh let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air"

~ Keats, "To Hope"

Bravo! I loved this piece. It's words so perfectly misplaced. Well done

--
\"Even a broken clock is right twice a day.\"





+ +

My contest [link]
"Circles and eyeballs , circles are pretty." -Ed
Blessed Be <3

Aww thank you! I'm glad you liked it!

--
"Oh let me think it is not quite in vain
To sigh out sonnets to the midnight air"

~ Keats, "To Hope"